An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called the emergency services. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.

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PLAY BALL"A young couple came in with this story: During sex, the woman had grabbed a medium-size rubber ball and inserted it into her man's back door. The ball became lodged so high in his rectum, they couldn't get it out… and neither could we! The attending MD paged a surgeon, but while we were waiting for him to arrive, the man began coughing. The ball came flying out of his butt with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the just arriving surgeon in the head."

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PLAY BALL"A young couple came in with this story: During sex, the woman had grabbed a medium-size rubber ball and inserted it into her man's back door. The ball became lodged so high in his rectum, they couldn't get it out… and neither could we! The attending MD paged a surgeon, but while we were waiting for him to arrive, the man began coughing. The ball came flying out of his butt with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the just arriving surgeon in the head."

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"I was assigned to examine a patient with stomach pain. The woman turned out to be my high school classmate, but instead of being happy to see me, she was mortified. She confessed she wasn't suffering from stomach pain but had gotten something 'stuck.' Hours earlier, she'd microwaved a frozen hot dog to use as a sex toy. But heating it had softened the hot dog, and it broke off inside her. I removed it, though I doubt she'll look me in the eye at our next reunion!"

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GO FISH"A man explained that his girlfriend had tried to take his temperature rectally and 'lost' the thermometer. I could actually see the glass tip poking out of his rear end, so I got a padded clamp and gently began pulling. It was a thermometer all right, but one for a fish tank-more than a foot long!"

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KEYED UP"A hysterical woman came into the ER. She'd just had a fight with her boyfriend while sitting in his parked car. She said she had gotten so mad at him that she pulled the key out of the ignition and put it in her vagina so he couldn't drive home! Now she couldn't locate the key to get it out. I couldn't find it either, so we concluded that it must have fallen out somewhere near her boyfriend's car."

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SPONGE-BATH SLIPUP

"When I was just starting out as a nurse, I had to give a sponge bath to an incredibly hot male patient. I tried to be very professional about it and not embarrass either one of us. But when it was time to wash his back, instead of saying 'Turn over,' I accidentally blurted out 'Move over.' He gave me a huge grin and said, 'Oh, I don't know if there's enough room, but trust me, I'll try!' "

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UNSCHEDULED DELIVERY

"During an ice storm, a rescue squad radioed that they were bringing in a young woman with severe menstrual cramps. I was the ER nurse assigned to take her medical history. Although obviously in discomfort, the woman looked totally healthy. She told me she'd been having normal periods, which was frustrating to her because she and her man had been trying to get pregnant for some time.

"I reassured her that the gynecologist on duty would be able to give her something for the pain, but when the doctor came in to examine her, he took one look and said that not only was she pregnant, but she was going to have a baby right then! We rushed her to the maternity floor, and soon after, she delivered a healthy baby girl."
 

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TOY WITH HIM

"A guy came into our ER one night. When the doctor asked him to describe his problem, he reached into his bag, pulled out a sex-toy catalog, and pointed to a long, curved toy on one of the pages. 'I can show you what's in there,' he winked. 'Now let's see if you can get it out.' The doctor did, after leaving the room to stop laughing so hard."
 

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STUCK ON YOU

"One night, a gurney rolled in carrying a woman in black lingerie-who happened to be straddling a naked man. They told us that they had been doing a lot of drugs and having wild sex when the woman's vagina cramped up and the guy couldn't pull out. The doctor on duty gave her muscle relaxants, and after several minutes, they were able to separate. Then they were promptly arrested on drug charges."

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